The Opportunist

1) You meet for one drink. The bartender puts the bill in front of your date and he slides it over to you. The bill is really small. He tells you he only has 20 bucks and doesn’t want to spend it. Congratulations! In one swift move you have gone from first date to potential meal ticket. Be sure that if you don’t run like hell now, that date #2 and so on you will be paying as well. If you still for whatever reason want a date #2, just rename yourself ATM and make it easier for him. Woman, you‘re better off alone spending your cash on yourself. Move on.

 

The Video Rental Incident

2) The guy from #1 walks you to your car (you would’ve fled on your own but it’s not a safe time of night and you have to pick your battles) and he asks you to stop with him at Blockbuster video. (it still existed in this scenario)He picks out a movie that he wants to watch alone (not with you) the next day. You walk over to the counter and he asks you to pay for it. You are officially sugar mama. Punch him in the face and run. Better to take your chances alone with the wierdos on the street than spend another minute with this guy.

 

The Green Card Seeker

3) A friend sets you up on a blind date and tells you that “for some odd reason many girls think he is just looking for a wife so he can stay in the country.”  You go on the date and in the first ½ hour of meeting you he is already asking you, “So how long do you need to know someone before you get married?”

You stare at him in shock and begrudgingly tell him you need at least a year. (because who can really answer that question?) He gets upset and says that’s too long. He’s on a deadline baby. Go slap your “friend” the next time you see her. She needs to wake up.

 

The Guy Who Thinks This is the Year 1842

4) Within 38 seconds of meeting you, he is already talking about marrying you and how you will tell your grandchildren you met on a blind date. He thinks he’s being charming but it’s making you want to run away screaming with your hands flailing. In what universe is this considered okay? Sure, if it was the 1800’s when people got engaged after knowing each other for a brief time–I get it. But now people live longer and can take our time and choose the right person. This is not a Jane Austen novel.

 

Tardy to the Party

5) He shows up one hour late picking you up. Honestly that’s like showing up late to a job interview. If you can’t be on time for that interview then what are you going to be like if you start working there? Interviews and first dates are the same. Make no mistake about it–you pretend you are a great person at both.

 

The Classic Mama’s Boy

6) He tells you that he is currently looking to get married because his mother and his grandmother have told him that he should. Run like hell my friend. You got yourself a man who can’t think for himself and lets his Mommy and Meemaw do all of his thinking for him. Run!!! You can’t compete with Meemaw! She will come to your house, move your knick knacks around, pick out his pyjamas, cook his meals and sleep in between the two of you. Your personal hell will be watching him rub ointment on her bunions every day.

 

The Dream Crusher

7) You tell this new guy about your hopes and dreams and he tells you that your dreams won’t happen because you don’t know anything since you are a girl and too young to understand. (you are both the same age) Dear God, imagine what it would be to live with this fool. I shudder…I shudder.

 

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

8 ) You quickly realize on the first date that not only are you on a date with him but also on a date with: His parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, extended relatives, next door neighbor, mailman, accountant and goldfish. They aren’t there literally, but you already feel their influence in your life.

His family is incredibly domineering and just by sharing a meal with him, they are already taking over your life too. They own you now. It’s worse than the mafia. One date with him and his family is planning your nuptials and telling you where you will live and how to cut your hair. Leave before it’s too late.

 

The Brother From Another Mother

9) They try to hold your hand and you realize you feel absolutely no chemistry. It feels like holding your brother’s hand–if you had a brother that is. Poor guy, do him a favor and let this be your last date. Even if he’s “good on paper”, remember you can’t force chemistry. You won’t suddenly be attracted to him on the 2nd date. The first impression is always the most accurate. Let him find someone else who feels a sizzle when he’s near.

 

The Granny Defense

10) They tell you up front that it bothers them that you are so much older than they are. (There is a 9 month age difference and suddenly you are Meemaw looking for your teeth and filling up your Depends underpants while waiting for Matlock to come on) Go rinse out your dentures and use your walker to get out of there.

 

Jealous Magellous

11) They tell you that they don’t like the fact that you make more money than they do. They of course assume you do. They don’t know what you actually make. Honestly it doesn’t matter what your tax returns say. This guy is insecure and doesn’t like himself.

No matter what you do, it will make them feel inadequate. If you walk and chew gum at the same time, you will intimidate them with your multitasking abilities. They have a, “So what? You think you’re better than me?” mentality. You can’t win.

I Wish You Were a Group Of People Instead

12) You are at dinner with him and you see a group of girls having a girls night out and wish you were hanging out with them instead. You start feeling nostalgic and missing your buddies and it brings a tear to your eye–even though you just saw them yesterday. If you really liked the guy, you wouldn’t be thinking about your friends. They would be the last thing on your mind.

 

 

Date Envy

13) You are at dinner and suddenly have “date envy” where you wish you could be on the date two tables to your left instead of with the jerk you are with. No, you can’t go over there. Sit down, eat your food then go home.

 

This Pain Is Nothing Compared to You

14) Your date is so insulting and annoying that you realize your fists have been unconsciously balled up in anger under the table and now your nails have actually put little semi-circle cuts in your palms.

You now need a band-aid. You need several band-aids. Miraculously, the pain in your palms is still a welcome joy compared to the pain of sitting across from Mr. Wonderful.

 

The Bathroom Escape

15) You go to the bathroom, not because you need to, but just to get a break from the guy. You see the bathroom attendant and want to bare your soul to them about how bad your date is going and even inquire if there is a window in the bathroom that you could shimmy out of and start to bargain with yourself that the drop from the window won’t be that bad. You tell yourself you can handle a three story fall if you can angle your dive to land on that cushy awning below.

This is not the movies. Don’t jump. It will end badly.

 

The Good Old Controlling SOB

16) You meet for brunch and after 3 hours of hanging out you tell him you have to go because you promised your sister you would spend time with your niece and nephews. He gets angry that the date is ending and tells you that you are “ruining things by leaving”.

You calmly explain that you haven’ t seen them in weeks. (not that you owe him an explanation) He tells you that you haven’t seen him in 2 months!! (2 months ago you met him for the first time at a bar and this is your first date.) This is a potential stalker. Run my friend. Cut your hair, dye it, weave it, extension it. Do whatever you have to do to look different. And keep running. Then run some more. How dare you ruin things?! He was perfection!!!

 

The Fantasy

17) You are in the middle of the date and you begin fantasizing about all of the other places you would rather be at that moment. The list is long and it includes, getting a root canal, visiting your gynecologist, taking an organic chemistry exam, listening to a dental materials lecture about the properties of alginate and what makes it thixotropic from that professor who hated you and was always so smug, being on a date with that professor who hated you and you hated him and was always so smug, going shopping with an indecisive person who wants to try on 38 pairs of khaki pants that all look the same to you, sitting in a crowded subway car with no A/C and 100 degree temp with a strangers armpit shoved in your face and a roving hand grabbing your behind, watching the movie The English Patient over and over again until you want to stab yourself with blunt object, going to 5 different baby showers in one day and playing that God forsaken baby food game at each one until your tummy is filled with creamed spinach and custard to the point of nausea, going to a night club on disco night, going to a lecture where a person in a monotone voice mumbles the entire P volume of an encyclopedia….

 

The “Did It Fall When You Fell From Heaven?”Guy

18) When the guy feeds you a bunch of really terrible lines and is incredibly cheesy the entire night. He points out the night sky and dramatically declares to you, “Look at it! Just look at the moon, the stars, and you. Such beauty!!” You hold in your laughter and ask him if he does this with every girl and he answers, “No! No! No!…..Not all the time.” Sigh…

 

The Frat Boy and That House..Dear God, That House

19) Your date calls you to ask you to pick him up instead of meeting him at the restaurant. This is his way of telling you he doesn’t have a car. You show up at his house and you discover he is a 28 year old guy still living like a frat boy. You walk through the front door and you find the house full of people who like to “stop by” all the time. One guy is writing music on a keyboard just ‘workin on his music’ remincent of Ross Gellar from friends, one guy is cooking food on all four burners like there’s no tomorrow, two women are making out on the couch and trying to take each other’s clothes off in front of everyone, another couple is just sitting on another couch not saying a word and staring at you and then there‘s the odd guy who was fixing his skateboard in the living room and not paying any attention to the two lesbians on the couch directly next to him. The place is an absolute mess. You can barely see the carpet. Your date leaves you in the middle of this scene alone while he “finishes getting ready.” The word, “awkward” was created for this exact moment in time. The only people that will have a good night in this scenario are the two girls on that couch. No one else.

 

The Language Issue

20) You run into his friends while out at a bar. Your first date forgets that you speak his native foreign language (even though he knows you are from the same country) and in front of you tells them what a great piece of ass you are in that native language. You casually thank him in that language and watch all of their faces fall. Go home girl. Go home and watch grass grow and paint dry or something. You will have more fun.

 

The Clean Hands Defense

21) You leave your date at the bar to use the ladies room. You use the large stall that has the sink inside the stall. As you use the sink, you marvel at the convenience. You walk out of the stall and head towards the door to the outrage of two disgusted girls who think you are leaving without washing your hands. You sigh and think to yourself you don’t need to explain anything to them and it doesn’t matter since you will never see them again.

You find your date and a few minutes later the same two girls approach you. It turns out one is your date’s brand new ex-girlfriend who still harbors feelings for him and anger towards you and the other one is her best friend. This is their favorite hang out. Your date knew this. They stare you down with looks that could kill–especially that best friend. Worse than that, they think you don’t wash your hands. You should scare them by trying to touch them.

 

“I Mean Really, Who Throws a Shoe?”–Austen Powers

22) He tells you he wants to go for hiking on a trail on your first date and when you show up in sneakers, he criticizes you for not wearing high heels. No I’m serious, he really expected you to wear heels. His rationale is that you had on heels the night he met you, he liked you in heels and that’s how he wants to keep things.

My love, you wore the perfect footwear for this occasion. Now you can use your sneakers to flee the scene and still get a great workout in the process. Multitasking!! To quote the cashier at DSW Shoe Warehouse when I asked him if the heels I was buying were too high and pointy, “Think of it this way. If any man bothers you, one click with your heel in the groin and he’s down for the count.” Best advice I ever got in a shoe store. (not that I’ve ever done that of course)

 

He Thinks it’s 1952

23) He wants to take a drive to a second location and you are standing in front of your car. It’s a 15 minute walk to his car. You offer to drive and he literally gets upset because he refuses to let a woman drive him. He insists it’s morally wrong and his father would never let his mother drive. You begrudgingly let him drive and discover he is literally the worst driver you’ve encountered.

A drunk person who was trying to do his taxes while driving would have more control over the car than he does. My advice, wait for a red light, jump out of the car and flee.

 

  • None of this happened to me of course. These are just potential things I want to warn you about. Thank God none of these specific scenarios ever happened to me!! Yup…not me..not me..My dating history has always been perfect. Just spotless!! All of this happened to..um..a friend of mine…

 

Oh all right!!

 

  • I hope my list helps you on your journey in some small way. Think of it this way, every bad date makes for a great story later on. Your friends will love your stories. They will ask you to regale them yet again about what happened that time with the Blockbuster video guy. “I’m having a bad day. Tell me again about that guy who made you buy him that video that wasn’t even meant for you to watch!”

 

  • It makes people feel good. Much like watching reality TV or Jerry Springer to make you feel better about your life. You watch a minute of it and you think to yourself, “My life is awesome!”

 

  • For the record, my life is awesome too. It’s just peppered with a few of these stories that I will keep in my heart for a good laugh when I need it. Yes, I can laugh about it now.

 

  • A friend of mine years ago once asked me why there are so many bad dates. My answer was so we can appreciate the good ones when they come along that much more! ;)

And yes, there are good ones out there…

Caroline

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