Archive for the ‘ humor ’ Category

 

My 20 year high school reunion is coming up. The very thought makes me want to roll my eyes and not go.

Actually, I’ll do just that.

Reasons Why I’m Not Going

Reason #1 

Let’s be real here. The only people who really want to go to the 20 year reunion are the ones who peaked in high school. (either that or people with a morbid curiosity-but more on that later)

“I Don’t Trust Anybody Who Looks Back On The Years 14-18 With Any Enjoyment. If You Liked Being A Teenager, There’s Something Wrong With You.” -Stephen King

And he’s a genius.

For those who “peaked”, High School was the highlight of their existence. They are excited to go and relive their “glory days.”

 

Me? I didn’t peak in high school, college or dental school.

 

Okay, it wasn’t that bad. But really I marched to the beat of my own drum and I gravitated toward others that were just as weird as me.

 

I think I just started peaking now and hopefully will continue until old age.

I do understand going to the 10 year reunion just for the sake of going. (that’s what I did)

But the 15 year is just silly and the 20 year is even more ridiculous.

 

Reason #2

Everyone I care to know from high school I already kept in touch with over the years, and none of them are going.

I once ran into someone I knew from high school that I hadn’t seen in years and instead of telling me, “Hey, Caroline! How are things? Haven’t seen you in years!”

She instead she surveyed me with narrowed eyes from head to toe as I removed my 8 layers of clothing that cold winter’s day in the hair salon and said, “A tank top? In winter?”

“Hello to you too!”, I said to her.

That’s “Exhibit A” of why I don’t need to go to my 20 year reunion.

Is it my fault I’m allergic to all things wool and cashmere and have to resort to wearing multiple layers of cotton to keep warm? It’s okay I hate sweaters anyway.

(That is not a sexy look)

My distaste of sweaters alone was enough to propel me to Miami where I’ll live out the rest of my winters where I can live in a “tank top without judgment zone”.

 

Reason #3

Morbid curiosity caused my friends and I to go to the 10 year reunion.

I no longer have that curiosity about the 20 year.

 

The only good thing about it was the chocolate fountain.

Sadly, that’s… about… it.

Actually, if i can be guaranteed that there will be a chocolate fountain at this one too, then I’m booking a ticket….No I’m not.

 

Reason #4

The ones who peaked in high school still kept the same group of friends and actually married into that group and never met anyone else along the way.

At age 28, they were the same people. They didn’t grow or change.

They didn’t suddenly become friendlier or nicer or more mature.

The same groups of people at our school they judged and teased, they still did at age 28.

No sudden life changes or epiphanies for them. How sad.

The rest of us did. We mutated into something better than we were in high school.

 

We went off and tried new things, met new people and changed.

another genius…

None of us should be the same people we were in high school. Why should we?

Adolescence was a time in our lives when we were not fully formed yet, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

We were only seedlings!

If you don’t agree, that’s okay.

 

Reason #5

The dreaded questions!!!

As for me, I’ll save my frequent flyer miles for a real vacation rather than a trip down non-existent memory lane where I relive 4 years of a time in my adolescence that I would rather forget and be bombarded with questions like:

“So what do you do? Where do you live? Kids? Husband? What’s your brand of peanut butter?”

 

But to be honest none of us should ever really “peak” anytime. We’re all works in progress. Maybe we’ll all eventually peak 2 seconds before we die at age 100 and then we have to start all over in the next life! ;)

Onward and upward!

Caroline

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I’m a newbie to Miami adjusting from a life in D.C. and here are a few more things I’ve learned about life here.

If you want to read Part One, click here

1)  When it comes to night life, South Florida is divided into two factions: the Ft. Lauderdale People and the Miami/South Beach People.

There’s a strange and unspoken rivalry between the two groups.

Okay, it’s not that serious but a weird separation does exist.

Ft. Lauderdale people hardly ever go to South Beach and South Beach people usually don’t go to Ft. Lauderdale.

I know some Ft. Lauderdale goers who haven’t seen South Beach in years and have no plans to go anytime soon. It’s odd.
Me? I like both!

2) Creole food. I don’t know what it is yet. This is the first time I’ve lived somewhere where knowing how to speak Creole helps.

I haven’t tackled that mountain yet. I’m still working on my Spanish. But give me time.

 

3) People in Miami-Dade county often feel weird about heading into Broward county for dinner. I don’t know why.

I found a great restaurant that happened to be right on the border but was on the Broward County side and asked a friend to try it with me. His response, “Oh that’s in Hollywood. No Caroline.” Oh the snobbery.

 

4) You can never show too much skin here.

Whenever I think my skirt couldn’t possibly be shorter or my outfit couldn’t get anymore risque, a girl will pass by with a pair of shorts going up her butt, a barely there top and a cowboy hat.

My “risqué” outfit soon starts looking like a nun habit.


Wear whatever you want. No one is shocked here. You could walk into a club naked with a hula hoop and no one will give you a second glance.

Or you could even wear this:

But I wouldn’t.

5) Seeing an 18 year old girl on a date with a 70 year old man is normal here. The word Sugar Daddy comes to mind. But I’m not one to judge. Okay maybe a little.

                                       

I was having dinner with a friend when I overheard this conversation (if you can call it that) happening at the table next to us.

It made me drop my fork:
18-20 year old hot girl : “I love my car! I love driving it! I love sitting in it! I love looking at it! I love standing next to it!…”
70 year old date: “…….” (says nothing but smiles and nods enthusiastically as if she just told him how she discovered the cure for Diabetes)

I have no problem with people dating with age differences but this, dear reader was not love.

Whenever I comment on a couple like that to someone, their response is always the same. They answer me with a nonverbal rubbing of  their thumb and index and middle fingers together to indicate the universal sign of “money”as an unspoken explanation.

 

6) If you decide to go to South Beach on Memorial Weekend, mentally prepare yourself to see things that will invade your soul years later and haunt you for all time.

Okay, not even nearly that bad but it’s not all roses and buttercups either. 

I have never seen more prostitutes, police, national guard, crime and drunk people in one place…and I’ve lived in Baltimore! (no offense to Baltimorians)

People who live in or near South Beach generally get the hell out of town Memorial Weekend. Some stores even close down.

 

7) You’ll see a lot of Lamborghinis, and Ferraris often yellow in color and parked at the entrance of clubs. Get used to it.

 

8) If you find free parking in South Beach on the street on a weekend night, consider yourself blessed by God. Go buy a lottery ticket. You’re on a roll.

 

9) Brickell is for people who don’t feel like driving all the way to South Beach for a drink and don’t fall into the Ft. Lauderdale people category.

They usually live in Brickell too. I like it there. Especially Blue Martini.


You can go there on a Wednesday night and it’ll be packed.

One Wednesday night I saw this: someone who sounded like Adele singing live, a raffle where people won Michael Kors handbags, buy one get one free drinks, followed by all night DJ and dancing to whatever.

The only thing missing was a fashion show…wait they had that too…

 

10) It’s not unusual for someone to try to sell you mangoes, coconuts, bananas or other tropical fruits at intersections. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s organic and the best fruit I’ve ever had.

One guy was pushing a cart of coconuts down the bike path like it was a normal thing to do and was selling them to hikers. Because how can you walk or jog down a path without a coconut in your hand?

We mustn’t forget the random truck pulling up to a group of palm trees.

One guy gets out and shakes the coconuts out of the tree while two other guys catch them on a mattress, then they toss them into the truck and drive off as fast as they showed up, leaving you to wonder what the hell just happened… or did you just imagine the “drive by coconut raid?”

 

11) If you get to Aventura Mall before 11:30 am on a Saturday you’ll be the only one there. People like to sleep in.

 

12) Ocean Drive at night is for tourists.

Once you live here you’ll never want to go again.

But then one day someone visits you from out of town and says to you, “Let’s go to Ocean Drive!”

Then you roll your eyes and begrudgingly take them to Mangos to watch the bartenders dance on the bar while you contemplate the meaning of your life and the answers to all of life’s big questions


Then after an hour of feeling the sweaty men rub their perspiration all over you as they pass you by too closely on the overcrowded dance floor and listen to the same exact merengue song 4 times in one hour, you beg your friend to let you take them to a magical place called, “Anywhere but here”

 

13) If you’re eating in South Beach, your tip will be included in your check.

Why? One word: Europeans.

No offense to anyone from Europe (hey, I have family all over Europe) but you guys don’t tip.

Because of the non-tipping Europeans everyone’s tip will be included.

This means your waiter doesn’t have to be nice to you, they can be horrible to you in fact-and they’ll still get their tip.

14) I know I briefly mentioned elderly drivers in part one blog post, but it’s such a situation that it’s worth delving into more.


I got nothing but love for elderly drivers. One day I’ll be one too. But for the love of all that’s holy and sacred, stay out of their way.

They don’t check their blind spots when changing lanes, they don’t use turn signals and they either drive really slow or incredibly fast.


Their turn signals in their cars are sparkly and clean from lack of use.

 

Actually, what am I saying? Most people of all ages don’t use their turn signal.

And when they do use it they must be so confused by it because I often see someone signaling right and then turning left. Or vice versa.

 

15) Miami is at sea level.

Actually all of Florida is, so when it rains-not even that much, you’ll need a canoe.


The flooding is sudden and epic.

I once lost my flip flop as it floated away from me ON THE SIDEWALK and my cousin broke her umbrella crossing a tiny walkway to get from Starbucks to just across the sidewalk at Sushi Samba.

After locating my lost shoe we waded through water up to our shins. By the time we got to the other side we looked like wet puppies.


Interesting thing-I met people here who have never seen a basement to a house.

Makes sense since we’re at sea level. If you did have one your basement would have a school of fish living in it.

 

16) Floridians are not afraid of hurricanes. (although we probably should be)

An impending hurricane to a Floridian is usually as scary as a snow storm to someone from Minnesota.

The rest of the country panics more for Florida than Florida panics for Florida.

But I bet if mother nature ever decided to drop one single snow flake here the entire state would end up in Armageddon.


Not a single loaf of bread would be left in the stores.

 

17) Lesson I learned: If you’re walking calmly on a path surrounded by trees and bushes and you hear what sounds to be a large animal scurrying toward you and it doesn’t sound like a bird, bunny rabbit or raccoon (don’t have them here anyway), it’s probably an alligator.

Run like hell and don’t look back.

 

18) There’s a divorce truck that I see all over town.

They advertise a quick divorce for only $250!

I don’t get it. Why do they need the truck? Can you get divorced in the truck? Do they come to you? Who’s behind the wheel? The mystery continues unabated.

19) Beware of any pina colada or strawberry daiquiri that comes in a glass this big.

One drink costs $45 bucks, is watered down and it doesn’t taste good. You’re better off paying less and getting this instead.


It’s a tourist trap. Reminds me of when I went to a gelateria in Rome and the guy who worked there asked me if I wanted “the special”.

I said yes and ended up getting a $20 ice cream cone with 4 sugar cones sticking out of it randomly and a little umbrella and the flag of 3 different countries jammed in it for no reason. It was a hot mess. I felt so wronged.

20) These little guys are everywhere.


I scream when I see them. They run across your path when you’re happily walking down the sidewalk.

They’re fast and scurry all over the place. The hotter it is the more you’ll see.

One day one tried to get into my apartment. And I’m on the 20th floor.  Who knew they could climb like that? Oh the horror of one day finding one under your pillow.

21) Murphy’s law: if you’re late for something or had too much water to drink, the draw bridge will be up and the train will be crossing.


Little trivia, Florida has the most railroad crossings than any other state. ( at least that’s what I read) They’re everywhere and also on my way to work.

 

None of this is actually me complaining. I’ll take it all. I love this crazy town! ;)

Caroline

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I was a Washington D.C. native turned Miami resident. Here are some pearls I’ve learned in my first year here. 
1) When someone says the phrase, “A cold front is moving in” and they say it with fear in their eyes, you become frantic and check the forecast and see that it’s going to be 59 degrees.

This news causes mass panic down here. The boots will come out, and the fur coats are pulled out of storage.


The weather forecasters will even tell you to bundle your children up before they go to the bus stops. Most people won’t leave the house unless they have to.
I laughed at everyone until I found myself sheepishly putting on a sweater, jacket and even a hat in 60 degree weather. It had only been 2 months and I was already a Floridian.

 

2) People here sing a lot more. Maybe it’s the sunshine or the ocean that puts people in the singing mood.

No idea why, but now I’m doing it. In D.C. I never would’ve been caught dead singing anywhere in public. I can’t sing. I can’t stress this enough. NO SINGING CAPABILITY.

I was walking around Walgreens yesterday and I was halfway through my rendition of a Whitney Houston chart topper before I realized I wasn’t singing it in my head, but out loud.

What’s strange is no one thought I was odd and even stranger I went ahead and finished the song.

3) I’m an aggressive driver now. You have to be down here. It’s a survival skill.

The drivers here are reckless. They make crazy, drastic moves and usually while holding their cell phones to their ear or while texting. If you see an elderly driver, just let them do what they need to do. Get the hell out of their way.

 

People here don’t thank you when you let them merge in front of you. Why should they? The attitude is that you better let them go or else.

If you don’t, they’ll just go anyway and try to hit you in the process. Especially if their car is bigger than yours. I’ve had many SUVs and trucks try to mow me down. I’ve just learned to move out of the way.

Just let them get in front of you. You’ll live longer.

I’ve never seen driving like this. It’s routine to see people changing 4 lanes over in one drastic move. It’s like everyone just got their license and is angry about it.

I saw a guy get out of his car while waiting for the draw bridge to go down and get a bottle of Hennessy out of his trunk so he can drink it straight from the bottle while he waited. This is normal behavior down here.

4) I now commonly use the phrase at work to my co-workers, “F@# this. Let’s just go to the beach” and I can mean it year round since the beach is less than 4 miles away. So actually “f@@ing this” and going to the beach is no longer an impossible feat.


In D.C. I would look up at the sky on a tough work day and wish I was at the beach which was 100s of miles away and even when I got there chances are it would be too cold. I would go home and make a drink and put an umbrella in it and pretend I was there.

 

5) I find myself speaking Spanish-even to people who don’t speak Spanish. Spanish isn’t my first language or even my second. I just like it.

Oh, and If you look like you’re remotely from any other country other than the United States, people will assume you’re a native speaker and will converse with you in Spanish. Just go with it. Better yet-learn Spanish.

 

6) I tried fervently to like coconut water.

People here love coconut water. It’s like an addiction. I didn’t get the memo.

There’s all kinds of flavors of coconut water. Mango, Pineapple, lemon…I watched people buy it by the gallons and swear it’s the nectar of the gods.

There are a lot of health benefits to it. I tried to like it. But I just can’t. It makes me queasy.

Except coconut water already inside of a coconut with rum mixed in is good and okay by me. But that’s another story.

7) I tried Jamaican food. Where has it been all my life?

 

8) I discovered the magic of a Cuban steak sandwich with little shoe string potatoes mixed in to the sandwich.

Why has no one told me about this until now? Why? Shoe string potatoes in a sandwich. It’s so simple yet genius at the same time.

Oh, and the best Cuban food can be found at the little mom and pop places hidden from sight.

Word of advice: finish all your food. If you don’t the cooks will come out and demand to know why you didn’t like your food. They will want an explanation. I left a scrap of food on my plate and they made me feel like I was 5 years old again and I didn’t finish my dinner. I wanted to cry.

Finish your food. You don’t want this guy mad at you.

 

9) Pollo Tropical is like Chipotle with an island twist.

I love the sauce bar. I’m a saucy girl. I’ll fill up those little sauce cups with every single sauce they have. People here love sauce. They have an entire sauce bar dedicated to you saucing up your food. They have hot sauce, salsa, yellow curry, a white sauce with cilantro, and others.

They even give you a bag to hold all the sauce you grabbed to make sure your sauce doesn’t spill and its safe and protected. Sauce is important down here.

My pet name for this place is just, “Pollo”.
Them: “Where are you going for lunch Caroline?”
Me: “Pollo.”
Them: Complete understanding of what you’re talking about.

10) When you ask for iced tea and you want unsweetened you have to specify unsweetened. Otherwise they’ll automatically bring you sweet tea. Up north the default tea was unsweetened. Here, its sweet tea.

Tea so sweet here that one sip will enter your soul and you’ll soon have such a sugar rush that they will have to scrape you off the ceiling with a spatula.

 

Unless you’re body is ready for that, for the love of all things holy and good ask for unsweetened.

Me? I like to be in control of my sugar/iced tea ratio. I decide how much sugar I get. I decide! Leave it up to the sweet tea gods and it’s Caroline on the roof fixing a loose shingle on a house that‘s not even hers.

11) Aventura traffic is a force to be reckoned with. If you can drive through there, you can drive through anywhere.

If it’s the holidays, it’s even worse. Pack a lunch for the drive if you have the audacity to drive anywhere near Aventura Mall during the holidays.

A legitimate excuse to being 45min late is, “I had to drive through Aventura to get here.” The person you’re late meeting will just nod their head in complete understanding and all anger will drain away from them.

12) Seeing someone shopping at Whole Foods in 6 inch platform hot pink stillettos, a red mini skirt, a green tank top and bleached blonde hair teased high to get closer to heaven is normal. No one looks at this person twice. In fact, why aren’t you wearing that too?

 

13) Walking down Lincoln Road in the middle of June during the day will make you sweat more than doing a 2 hour hot yoga class on the “hot side” of the room. Do yourself a favor and wait until sunset.

That way you won’t have to crawl into Starbucks completely dehydrated and begging for iced tea, water or an IV drip.

 

14) School zones are 15mph. If you go more than that they will get you. I once went 16mph and a flashing sign told me I was going 16 and said, “SLOW DOWN!”

I was only going 16mph! What did the sign want me to do? If I went any slower I’d have to just get out of the car and get a cup of coffee.

When I turn my car on, it’s already going 5mph. When I put my seat belt on its already going a crazy 10mph.

If I sneeze it may go 12mph. At 16mph, I’m considered an unhinged race car driver.

I have 3 school zones to get through on my way to work. And I’m always late.

15mph when you’re already late is torture. Yes, I respect the school zones but I’m always thrilled on a major holiday or “teacher work day” when I can drive down the street without my car making fun of me for going so slow. The slow pace hurts my car’s feelings.

15) Cuban coffee.

Where has it been all my life? Where? Tell me why no one told me? I’m so upset.

I think back on all the wasted years of not drinking Cuban coffee and it brings a tear to my eye. Why????!!!!! I have a lot of catching up to do.

When I first starting working here I saw a co-worker feverishly mixing something in a mug. I asked her what she was doing and she innocently said, “A bit of coffee and sugar.“

They take their Cuban coffee seriously here. She mixed it up and poured a small shot glass amount for everyone at work.

I took a sip. I hit the ceiling.

I took a second sip and I remembered where I left my charm bracelet that I lost in the 7th grade.

I took a 3rd sip and I believed that all dreams can come true.

By the time I was done, I was in love with everybody and wanted to cure world hunger.

If everyone on earth drank Cuban coffee there would be no crimes or hatred in the world. Just saying. Think about it.

16) Plantains are in everything and everywhere. Get used to it. And Yuca too. Don’t get me started on fried yuca.

Put them in your cereal, your pasta, next to your chicken or under your pillow so they can invade your dreams.

Living down here is different. I don’t understand it all. But I’ve learned to just go with it.

Mostly I just love it here!

Caroline

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The Opportunist

1) You meet for one drink. The bartender puts the bill in front of your date and he slides it over to you. The bill is really small. He tells you he only has 20 bucks and doesn’t want to spend it. Congratulations! In one swift move you have gone from first date to potential meal ticket. Be sure that if you don’t run like hell now, that date #2 and so on you will be paying as well. If you still for whatever reason want a date #2, just rename yourself ATM and make it easier for him. Woman, you‘re better off alone spending your cash on yourself. Move on.

 

The Video Rental Incident

2) The guy from #1 walks you to your car (you would’ve fled on your own but it’s not a safe time of night and you have to pick your battles) and he asks you to stop with him at Blockbuster video. (it still existed in this scenario)He picks out a movie that he wants to watch alone (not with you) the next day. You walk over to the counter and he asks you to pay for it. You are officially sugar mama. Punch him in the face and run. Better to take your chances alone with the wierdos on the street than spend another minute with this guy.

 

The Green Card Seeker

3) A friend sets you up on a blind date and tells you that “for some odd reason many girls think he is just looking for a wife so he can stay in the country.”  You go on the date and in the first ½ hour of meeting you he is already asking you, “So how long do you need to know someone before you get married?”

You stare at him in shock and begrudgingly tell him you need at least a year. (because who can really answer that question?) He gets upset and says that’s too long. He’s on a deadline baby. Go slap your “friend” the next time you see her. She needs to wake up.

 

The Guy Who Thinks This is the Year 1842

4) Within 38 seconds of meeting you, he is already talking about marrying you and how you will tell your grandchildren you met on a blind date. He thinks he’s being charming but it’s making you want to run away screaming with your hands flailing. In what universe is this considered okay? Sure, if it was the 1800’s when people got engaged after knowing each other for a brief time–I get it. But now people live longer and can take our time and choose the right person. This is not a Jane Austen novel.

 

Tardy to the Party

5) He shows up one hour late picking you up. Honestly that’s like showing up late to a job interview. If you can’t be on time for that interview then what are you going to be like if you start working there? Interviews and first dates are the same. Make no mistake about it–you pretend you are a great person at both.

 

The Classic Mama’s Boy

6) He tells you that he is currently looking to get married because his mother and his grandmother have told him that he should. Run like hell my friend. You got yourself a man who can’t think for himself and lets his Mommy and Meemaw do all of his thinking for him. Run!!! You can’t compete with Meemaw! She will come to your house, move your knick knacks around, pick out his pyjamas, cook his meals and sleep in between the two of you. Your personal hell will be watching him rub ointment on her bunions every day.

 

The Dream Crusher

7) You tell this new guy about your hopes and dreams and he tells you that your dreams won’t happen because you don’t know anything since you are a girl and too young to understand. (you are both the same age) Dear God, imagine what it would be to live with this fool. I shudder…I shudder.

 

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

8 ) You quickly realize on the first date that not only are you on a date with him but also on a date with: His parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, extended relatives, next door neighbor, mailman, accountant and goldfish. They aren’t there literally, but you already feel their influence in your life.

His family is incredibly domineering and just by sharing a meal with him, they are already taking over your life too. They own you now. It’s worse than the mafia. One date with him and his family is planning your nuptials and telling you where you will live and how to cut your hair. Leave before it’s too late.

 

The Brother From Another Mother

9) They try to hold your hand and you realize you feel absolutely no chemistry. It feels like holding your brother’s hand–if you had a brother that is. Poor guy, do him a favor and let this be your last date. Even if he’s “good on paper”, remember you can’t force chemistry. You won’t suddenly be attracted to him on the 2nd date. The first impression is always the most accurate. Let him find someone else who feels a sizzle when he’s near.

 

The Granny Defense

10) They tell you up front that it bothers them that you are so much older than they are. (There is a 9 month age difference and suddenly you are Meemaw looking for your teeth and filling up your Depends underpants while waiting for Matlock to come on) Go rinse out your dentures and use your walker to get out of there.

 

Jealous Magellous

11) They tell you that they don’t like the fact that you make more money than they do. They of course assume you do. They don’t know what you actually make. Honestly it doesn’t matter what your tax returns say. This guy is insecure and doesn’t like himself.

No matter what you do, it will make them feel inadequate. If you walk and chew gum at the same time, you will intimidate them with your multitasking abilities. They have a, “So what? You think you’re better than me?” mentality. You can’t win.

I Wish You Were a Group Of People Instead

12) You are at dinner with him and you see a group of girls having a girls night out and wish you were hanging out with them instead. You start feeling nostalgic and missing your buddies and it brings a tear to your eye–even though you just saw them yesterday. If you really liked the guy, you wouldn’t be thinking about your friends. They would be the last thing on your mind.

 

 

Date Envy

13) You are at dinner and suddenly have “date envy” where you wish you could be on the date two tables to your left instead of with the jerk you are with. No, you can’t go over there. Sit down, eat your food then go home.

 

This Pain Is Nothing Compared to You

14) Your date is so insulting and annoying that you realize your fists have been unconsciously balled up in anger under the table and now your nails have actually put little semi-circle cuts in your palms.

You now need a band-aid. You need several band-aids. Miraculously, the pain in your palms is still a welcome joy compared to the pain of sitting across from Mr. Wonderful.

 

The Bathroom Escape

15) You go to the bathroom, not because you need to, but just to get a break from the guy. You see the bathroom attendant and want to bare your soul to them about how bad your date is going and even inquire if there is a window in the bathroom that you could shimmy out of and start to bargain with yourself that the drop from the window won’t be that bad. You tell yourself you can handle a three story fall if you can angle your dive to land on that cushy awning below.

This is not the movies. Don’t jump. It will end badly.

 

The Good Old Controlling SOB

16) You meet for brunch and after 3 hours of hanging out you tell him you have to go because you promised your sister you would spend time with your niece and nephews. He gets angry that the date is ending and tells you that you are “ruining things by leaving”.

You calmly explain that you haven’ t seen them in weeks. (not that you owe him an explanation) He tells you that you haven’t seen him in 2 months!! (2 months ago you met him for the first time at a bar and this is your first date.) This is a potential stalker. Run my friend. Cut your hair, dye it, weave it, extension it. Do whatever you have to do to look different. And keep running. Then run some more. How dare you ruin things?! He was perfection!!!

 

The Fantasy

17) You are in the middle of the date and you begin fantasizing about all of the other places you would rather be at that moment. The list is long and it includes, getting a root canal, visiting your gynecologist, taking an organic chemistry exam, listening to a dental materials lecture about the properties of alginate and what makes it thixotropic from that professor who hated you and was always so smug, being on a date with that professor who hated you and you hated him and was always so smug, going shopping with an indecisive person who wants to try on 38 pairs of khaki pants that all look the same to you, sitting in a crowded subway car with no A/C and 100 degree temp with a strangers armpit shoved in your face and a roving hand grabbing your behind, watching the movie The English Patient over and over again until you want to stab yourself with blunt object, going to 5 different baby showers in one day and playing that God forsaken baby food game at each one until your tummy is filled with creamed spinach and custard to the point of nausea, going to a night club on disco night, going to a lecture where a person in a monotone voice mumbles the entire P volume of an encyclopedia….

 

The “Did It Fall When You Fell From Heaven?”Guy

18) When the guy feeds you a bunch of really terrible lines and is incredibly cheesy the entire night. He points out the night sky and dramatically declares to you, “Look at it! Just look at the moon, the stars, and you. Such beauty!!” You hold in your laughter and ask him if he does this with every girl and he answers, “No! No! No!…..Not all the time.” Sigh…

 

The Frat Boy and That House..Dear God, That House

19) Your date calls you to ask you to pick him up instead of meeting him at the restaurant. This is his way of telling you he doesn’t have a car. You show up at his house and you discover he is a 28 year old guy still living like a frat boy. You walk through the front door and you find the house full of people who like to “stop by” all the time. One guy is writing music on a keyboard just ‘workin on his music’ remincent of Ross Gellar from friends, one guy is cooking food on all four burners like there’s no tomorrow, two women are making out on the couch and trying to take each other’s clothes off in front of everyone, another couple is just sitting on another couch not saying a word and staring at you and then there‘s the odd guy who was fixing his skateboard in the living room and not paying any attention to the two lesbians on the couch directly next to him. The place is an absolute mess. You can barely see the carpet. Your date leaves you in the middle of this scene alone while he “finishes getting ready.” The word, “awkward” was created for this exact moment in time. The only people that will have a good night in this scenario are the two girls on that couch. No one else.

 

The Language Issue

20) You run into his friends while out at a bar. Your first date forgets that you speak his native foreign language (even though he knows you are from the same country) and in front of you tells them what a great piece of ass you are in that native language. You casually thank him in that language and watch all of their faces fall. Go home girl. Go home and watch grass grow and paint dry or something. You will have more fun.

 

The Clean Hands Defense

21) You leave your date at the bar to use the ladies room. You use the large stall that has the sink inside the stall. As you use the sink, you marvel at the convenience. You walk out of the stall and head towards the door to the outrage of two disgusted girls who think you are leaving without washing your hands. You sigh and think to yourself you don’t need to explain anything to them and it doesn’t matter since you will never see them again.

You find your date and a few minutes later the same two girls approach you. It turns out one is your date’s brand new ex-girlfriend who still harbors feelings for him and anger towards you and the other one is her best friend. This is their favorite hang out. Your date knew this. They stare you down with looks that could kill–especially that best friend. Worse than that, they think you don’t wash your hands. You should scare them by trying to touch them.

 

“I Mean Really, Who Throws a Shoe?”–Austen Powers

22) He tells you he wants to go for hiking on a trail on your first date and when you show up in sneakers, he criticizes you for not wearing high heels. No I’m serious, he really expected you to wear heels. His rationale is that you had on heels the night he met you, he liked you in heels and that’s how he wants to keep things.

My love, you wore the perfect footwear for this occasion. Now you can use your sneakers to flee the scene and still get a great workout in the process. Multitasking!! To quote the cashier at DSW Shoe Warehouse when I asked him if the heels I was buying were too high and pointy, “Think of it this way. If any man bothers you, one click with your heel in the groin and he’s down for the count.” Best advice I ever got in a shoe store. (not that I’ve ever done that of course)

 

He Thinks it’s 1952

23) He wants to take a drive to a second location and you are standing in front of your car. It’s a 15 minute walk to his car. You offer to drive and he literally gets upset because he refuses to let a woman drive him. He insists it’s morally wrong and his father would never let his mother drive. You begrudgingly let him drive and discover he is literally the worst driver you’ve encountered.

A drunk person who was trying to do his taxes while driving would have more control over the car than he does. My advice, wait for a red light, jump out of the car and flee.

 

  • None of this happened to me of course. These are just potential things I want to warn you about. Thank God none of these specific scenarios ever happened to me!! Yup…not me..not me..My dating history has always been perfect. Just spotless!! All of this happened to..um..a friend of mine…

 

Oh all right!!

 

  • I hope my list helps you on your journey in some small way. Think of it this way, every bad date makes for a great story later on. Your friends will love your stories. They will ask you to regale them yet again about what happened that time with the Blockbuster video guy. “I’m having a bad day. Tell me again about that guy who made you buy him that video that wasn’t even meant for you to watch!”

 

  • It makes people feel good. Much like watching reality TV or Jerry Springer to make you feel better about your life. You watch a minute of it and you think to yourself, “My life is awesome!”

 

  • For the record, my life is awesome too. It’s just peppered with a few of these stories that I will keep in my heart for a good laugh when I need it. Yes, I can laugh about it now.

 

  • A friend of mine years ago once asked me why there are so many bad dates. My answer was so we can appreciate the good ones when they come along that much more! ;)

And yes, there are good ones out there…

Caroline

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